International News, Britney Does A Sinéad

Yes, Englanders. Britney Spears has shaved her head. It was the moment I've been awaiting after four years in America. Not that I've been petitioning the White House, or her fan club. Only that American Culture was awaiting its first meltdown before rising from the ashes Phoenix-like, or however long it takes Britney to grow her hair up. Clearly there are more important questions, o transatlantic friends. But I'm struck by a random memory that if Sinéad O'Connor - according to nothing more glamorous than a rumor lounging in my own dubious skull - hadn't shaved her head in the mid-80s she "could have been bigger than Madonna." Now let's not be grumpy in our clearly holier than thou envious way, Britain: Madonna is big, and she's American so more free-spirited (well, aristocratic Cockney). God I'm confused. But Sinéad's moment wasn't just a snip, as it were: she's made a career of weird (and wonderful). Britney however, might go Vanity Fair for her third celebrity baby with a thin veneer of brunette (on her head) to match her latest production, no? We'll have to see. And I'm not saying she's pregnant, just a bit bald. Discuss. And this won't be on the test.

Dear England, You Don't Know Cold

Somehow I never get used to the cold in DC, England. I console myself that every day of freezing bright skies, sun shining, and 5 below achieves me the perfect summer's day in May. That's how it works in the Big Country: actual seasons. I've long brushed off the rainy, grey, drizzly, dark winter weather we know and love in the UK. But I regret it now! It's bloody cold in Washington! I don't like John Kettley weather where the snow turns to ice faster than the sugar to alcohol. I don't eat yellow snow, but some of the gales in the past week have been beyond brass monkeys, and beyond a joke. Oh for a pint of winter warmer! (And winter weather that hovers above freezing). I miss you, oh happy certainty of English weather!

Gobble Gobble W!

Happy Thanksgiving America!

Yes it's that time of year again when America likes to stuff its turkey inappropriately close to Christmas, and of course eat turkey. Here Mr. President (or perhaps we should say, after the recent defeat in the Senate and the House of Representatives, the rapidly outgoing president) receiving an unwelcome guest in his pants, without mentioning Karl Rove. Brings a whole new meaning to bird brain and s(h)itting duck. How do you like them apples?

I'm loath to take sides in American politics, but well, you'd have to be a turkey-gobbling idiot not to.

Further Adventures of HP Sauce

My father recently scared me by saying all HP was stopping its bottles in the UK. It's true. In June 2005, our American cousins Heinz purchased HP manufactuers, HP Foods, from Danone (HP Foods was already French-owned), moving HP production from Aston, Birmingham to Elst in the Netherlands. Hence my friend Martin "Zigga" Zeegar, a half-Dutch half-Scotsman now living in Rotterdam, has kindly taken to smuggling HP through American customs, I confess. Please Dutch people, though you're becoming less liberal by the hour, keep smoking and keep importing! Otherwise bring on the Fourth Anglo-Dutch war. If we can't find the missing WMD HP, let's get Maggie Thatch back and bring on the all-American armada! When they came for the brown sauce, we said nothing...and without HP England might turn to unholy red sauce (another well-known Heinz import) in despair!

Fortunately there is a vast HP import market to England. So lovers of the HP (and a few brown-tongues who prefer their Daddies Sauce) needn't worry. Cook up the grill, let's BBQ Thanksgiving. The British - well, their condiments, at least - are coming!

Harry Potter Incites Witchcraft, Again

I don't know how to explain this one, England. Harry Potter is in the firing line again, and I'm not talking Quidditch. www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15127464/
Is Potter a terrorist? The anti-Christ? Just bad at doing his homework? Oh dear. Should we start teaching American Pyscho in British schools alongside Macbeth? I don't know; the mind boggles. Maybe if we combine Scientology and the Wicca witchcraft religions we can get some alien broomsticks (in time for Hallowe'en) and see if Ms. Laura Mallory would like to ride them? This way Hermione!